Read diary

I think the most challenging thing about this whole depression thing is that it is a journey . That each day is a effort to make the changes within yourself so that you are able to heal . I reading this book that was recommended to me its call reinventing your life by Jefferey Young amazing book it talks about life traps and their effects on us. I rated very high for most of the life traps mentioned in the book lol which in other terms means lots of work. But all I know is that anything better then where I was. I don't have anymore answers then I did when I started this journey but I do have a better understanding of what may be triggering my feelings and how I escaped my feelings by numbing them weather it be trough relationships or work or whatever vice I found anything to make the feelings stop. I so excited to get through to get to get to know and love myself I learning how much each and every persons has something within them to offer this world. I realizing that I might not be where everyone else thinks I should be or more like where I expected myself to be at this point in my life but I am exactly where I am meant to be and I know that now. I starting to feel that light within me light up again starting to feel my soul rise up and feel again. I can enjoy even the clouds on a rainy day something I haven't been able to feel in so long. I still have moments and sometimes days that seem tougher then others but I am able to work through them and know that the emotions and hurts are all part of the healing processes. I love that I know in a months time I can look back at that which may be burdening me the most and smile and know it was all part of the big plan. I can only pray that love seeps from my pores and fills the rooms I walk through that as I say over and over I am far from what people may think to be perfect but I am me and I think that alone is outstanding. That learning who I am and feeling thing is amazing I have made many bad choices in my life but I have also learned pretty amazing things in the process . I don't think I would ever tell anyone that this process is easy but it can be exciting . I mean seeing the changes within myself slowly but surely day to day has been a gift in itself. Feeling a presence around me and having a inner voice reassuring me that this pain is temporary .Being able to acknowledge things that hurt me and allowing myself to see my parents as human. They were not or are not anything close to perfect and I am having a hard time being around my mother or talking to my father even on the phone because I feeling some of the past hurts but I don't believe for one second that they made the choices they did with the intent to hurt me . I do believe that hurt people hurt people and that they are just people. I think I am aloud to get angry and feel it and acknowledge it and move past it. I want to love them just as they are because lets face it they may never change and their views may always stay the same. However their views and beliefs are not mine and there hatred and hurt is not mine either. It so crazy now I am starting to understand my feeling a little better I will get around my Mom at times and will start talking about my feeling or what I am working and I will start feeling like I did when I was a child that I should hide my feeling from her so that she doesn't feel like shes a bad parent or its her fault. I have come to realize though I am entitled to my feeling that I am not blaming anyone for choices I made or things that have may have taken place I am just being me and feeling what I feel and if she or my father choose to make it their issues that is their choice. I am not responsible for anyone's actions or feeling I am responsible for me and how I choose to deal with things. I think that in time as I heal I will be able to forgive those that may hurt me. I love the path I am taking and know that their are bright things ahead and I pray that I can be the best I can be on all levels of my life at all times . I am so thankful for the changes and people who have crossed my path