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One day at a time a hard concept often for me to grasp especially because I have a hard time sitting still. Like many I am sure I want answers and I want them now the hardest thing is letting go of the things that I have no control over. In my head everything would be perfect if it just went my way :) not so true. Sometimes I want people to react or act in the way I think they should well I would be waiting forever if that was the case. Even though I notice myself getting better I still struggle with past thoughts and actions. It feels as though I am a drama addict when things are clam its like I have to make things up . I must be truthful with myself and state I create my thinking and my thinking creates my world /life so if I constantly think of everything as dramatic then my life stays that way. I am learning I must take my power back , that unlike the way I felt in the past of having no control over my life path I learning that I only have control over my thinking and my choices. I must take my power back, power back from my abusive ex boyfriends , power back from my parents , power back from people I allowed to tell me who I was. However after being a certain way for so many years this is not an easy task but I must try I must keep up. I am leaning how important I am and how if I don't care for myself who will. I am someone to be valued and loved I am kind and fun to be around I have a huge heart full of compassion and love and I know that I deserve to live a life full of love. I cant blame anyone for the places I have been or the feelings I have had I can acknowledge my hurts and emotions and move through those . I am Thankful for going through what I went through so I could be here. I am so thankful for the many wonderful people that have loved and support me through all this. I think for some reason growing up I thought that being a good person meant never feeling any anger negative emotions and so as a result any hurt or angry feelings I had I avoided along with feeling huge amounts of shame for feeling them. I guess I thought I was a super human or something now I see I must feel in order for me to get passed and to forgive I must feel those pains and cry if I need to let it out give it a place to go rather then back in. Am I pissed at my parents for not showing me a healthy way of living for me feeling like I had no where safe to go , I am I pissed that my Moms boyfriend could even have the chance to do what he did and to feel so ashamed because of how it might make her look that I just blocked it out I mean who would believe me right yes I am mad and I am hurt. I am mad at my Dad for beating women in front of me and telling me that if I deserved it one day I would be that women too . yep but all I know is that their actions and all these people were hurting individuals and their hurts are no longer going to be mine because I deserve much more then that and I am thankful to be at this point some days I feel like I could cry all day but its a cleansing cry no longer a hopeless one.