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It is almost feels strange to me that each day seems to give me a different light of things. I am so thankful to have my job and the people that I work with I truly am blessed and find it so amazing that such a awesome group of people could be found in one place. I am slowly seeing more and more how in general their is a ton more good then bad in every situation. I have also lost the desire to or need to be with someone its a very freeing feeling. I know that me getting well and to a happier place on all levels of my life is what is important . I am so thankful that I can get but and smile and keep smiling through out the day .I am however having a bit of a difficult time facing serious events of my past and pasted mistakes that I make I find myself talking of them freely like their nothing and trying to down play it in my head. My goal is to get past it though to truly over come those past fears and life traps I have been feeding. Its really hard not to fall into old patterns or ways of thinking I often feel like I thought my identity was based on that image . I now know its possible for people to love me for me I just have to learn to .I still have a hard time getting over the guy I most recently was seeing even though I am aware he wasn't treating me how I should be treated and I was not healthy enough to be in the relationship it was just hard because I felt this connection with him and he deeply understood my passion for music however I must be better for me I no help to anyone if I am not healthy myself and even though I miss him that is not whats important . I think I have to ask myself why I miss him I mean he was funny and caring but he also loved to party and was hungover most of the times we hung out their was talk that he might still be into the hard drugs he told me he had worked so hard to get away from and he became less and less reliable . I just keep feeling like no matter what people say I saw a different side but I also know because I was so unhealthy I attracted someone just as unhealthy. I am ashamed because I became like this other person when he wouldn't answer my text so I would freak out which isn't like me I start to let my mind run wild I haven't faced him yet and tomorrow will be the first day I will see him since everything but the bottom line is that I can't change what happen and I made mistakes I can't take it back but learn from it.I can only pray for peace . Its funny because a month ago if you would have told me this is the point I would be at I would have laughed I couldn't imagine being able to work through what I have in the passed little while to feel so thankful and so full of love is so amazing I am still human and have my moments but It feels as though I can keep my cool better now I don't allow my old thoughts to take over I am making an effort every day and moment to change past behaviors its not easy but its what I have to do I can't behind excuses if I am going to live its going to be now. I am so thankful for that everything feels as though its coming together lol it might never all make sense but it will work out and if I take it one moment and min at a time and just enjoy that's whats important I guess if I really look at it I am blessed to have had the life lesson I have I am blessed to have crossed paths with people from so many situations . I am blessed truly and thankful for that