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Its funny I think everyone has had that person at some point who you love to death but it always seems like they are in trouble. I been that person as well who always called people with my problems not saying its a bad thing its great to be able to talk to people about stuff however sometimes I would get the reaction didn't something good happen? does something good ever happen ? well there was a time when I felt like something good was never going to happen that good things just weren't things that would happen for me it felt predetermined that I was to live in constant drama and series of stress events. However today I now see who was the problem in this situation and that problem was me . I mean I know I cant control other people and their actions however I can control how I deal with things. I was talking to my counselor today about how even though it's been two years since I was in the abusive relationships sometimes I still feel as though I can hear his voice calling me down. I get so angry and frustrated with myself how can let him still how so much power I know the things he said to me were not true but yet I still feel that shame and self hate at times. for the longest time I couldn't even admit that I was in an abusive relationship I mean I didn't want to be the classic case of young girl who grew up with a mother that got herself into these types of relationships or to satisfy my fathers theory that if I did something to deserve being beaten that what happened as he so proudly showed me one day. I remember being so angry I shouted I will never be so stupid as to stay or end up with a man like you ! funny how that goes isn't it ? there I was 19 years old with a man just like my father and me just like my step moms crying and silent asking how I got into this mess? the shame the self hate I feel when it comes to that relationship is one only someone who has been there can understand. I still have night mares and flash backs of the fights and feelings that I felt over that period of time and the worst part I ve ran into to him and almost fallen into his trap again as he told me how helpless he was without me how he needed me that I could help him be a better person. I only recently stopped answering the text and phones calls and it bugs me that its that hard I mean logically it should be easy right?? should would have could have but didn't lol I can't change what I have done but I can change what I do I am ready to face the madness .The first step is admitting that I was there and that I need help which I am doing now its working through the emotions I have pushed down and escaped for two long. I was asked do I think I am capable of doing this ? do I think I am capable of not falling under his spell again? not answering the calls ? all I do know is I am going to try try harder then I ever had because I know I am not that girl anymore I am not worthless ,ugly or stupid and there is plenty of people who agree but the most important person to think differently is me . It almost at times seems like a war between me now and then me the great news is that the me now is so much more powerful then the me then. I know I will get through this I know that it will take time but I know that I will continue to try and strive to heal and forgive so I can move on with my life. I learning to love myself more and more its the most amazing feeling I have ever felt and I know that it can only go up from here . I now pray for those that have hurt me in hopes that they too can find peace lets face it hurt people hurt people and maybe one day they can be free of their pain too