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I never really got that whole just accept and release I want to control and change everyone. Now I am so thankful I am starting to get that whole concept :) my whole life I spent trying to keep everyone from being upset at me I felt like other peoples unhappiness was my fault. Its such a freedom to know that this is not the case. I spent countless hours trying to talk my Dad into not drinking loving him hating him not talking to him , insulting him everything and then some now can accept it and know its not my issue. Same went for my Mom I spent plenty of time trying to explain her worth and telling her how much she meant to me thinking it would help that I could save them it later spun off in the relationship I have with my brother and then with out a doubt my boyfriends trying to convince them of their worth and my love. I now know that I cant control that and that people cant prove to me how much I should love myself I have to love myself first. I love the face that I can let other peoples pain go and give it to God , I love that even though I can listen and give my opinion that I cant fix people just like I am doing for myself they must learn to love themselves enough to want to change for them and not anyone else. A month ago I was praying that the guy I had been seeing before my breakdown would just call and we could have that wonderful conversation and I could explain everything I hadn't and we would fight this together he would tell me how much he cared and explain what he was going through and we could fight this together lol humm still depending on him to tell me how much I meant to this world I think maybe just a little . I would be lying if I said it doesn't hurt to see him and not say a word I pretend I don't know him because I am not sure how to act . But all I know is is that I am me and I am not perfect in anyway but I am exactly where I need to be. I also know that he can't be responsible for showing me what I worth I have to draw that conclusion by myself . I losing my need or desire to be in a relationship and its such a blessing . I wanted to be in a relationship because deep down I think I thought that it determined my worth that if I could be that one true love of someone or the girl they were willing to change for then I must be that special girl. Now I know that without anyone I am still me I am still wonderful in every way I am meant to be I learning and growing everyday and If I knew how to deal or handle every situation their would be no point to this life lol. I do feel like the guy I was seeing was amazing in his own way and couldn't even see it ,hes seems to be so caught up in this image but when it was just him and I he was a joy to be around the unkind words I have said about him are only out of my own hurt. I can now say I truly wish him the best and everything he desire I pray that one day he doesn't feel the need to numb everything with drugs and other substances. I pray that he sees himself for what I saw him as and I truly wish him all the joy in the world . I am going to make a effort to not say hurtful things about him out of my hurt but try to forgive and accept and send good vibes out. Because I am not the only me anymore who gets hung up and lost in past situations I want to be full of good vibes and love and I know I am getting their one day at a time. I am so thankful for this breakdown it might sound strange but it has really change me and help me see things in a new light before I felt like a robot just running as fast as I could through life so numb to actually feeling and always worrying about everyone's feelings and opinions even though its healthy to care I now know that I have no control over what others do I only have control over what I do how I choose to react and how I choose to live my life and I am so so thankful for learning that I mean I always knew it but I think I choose not to acknowledge it I want to feel like I was capable of that that that's what would make me who I am and now I know thank you for this