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its hard because in the state I was in I pushed someone away who was really great he didn't do anything wrong just I couldn't get a grasp on reality and now I spend time think maybe he'll call that should be my last focus right now with everything going on and that I am so unhealthy right now I don't know that I attracted some one who was healthy I just wish I could have answers to my many questions for him I know its my whole loss of control and with him I have none mainly cause I couldn't keep my cool I often wonder if he thinks about me and when he does what he thinks ?? and then I realize that I must think about myself right now I huge part of me just wants to explain myself tell him how worthless I felt how even though I cared for him deeply my mind made me feel crazy it ran with what if recalling events from my past I confused him and myself. But then I ask the questions was he just my band aid to my pain I loved being with him because he made me feel like I was the most beautiful girl living but the moment he didn't tell me that five times or pulled away because he was having a bad day my mind went wild and I freaked he must of lost interest there must be someone else all part of my sickness I even feel like I ve pushed guys to cheat on me because of this illness because no matter what they say or do I am never just a ease knowing that what they say is true I am always looking for hidden facts and that when I begin to hate myself why cant i just see things for what they are why am I so afraid to just take things for what they are ? It hard sometimes for me to feel worthy enough I often feel like they will eventually find the girl that really makes them happy why don't I ever feel like I could be with someone and us both be happy . Even if I could tell him my thoughts would it change anything ?? what would I want him to say that it was okay he would be here for me yes but for what reason do I really want him around ?? to prove that I can be special to someone was I that special person to him of course I want him to think about me of course I want him to miss me but why?? who am I ? am I capable of lighting up a room with my presence I am able to radiate good vibes and love every environment I am in? The answers is YES I know it is I have to start visualizing myself getting better being the person I want to be and I'll get there and as for him life will work its magic I am sure and whatevers meant to happen will happen