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Hmmm been a while since i've wrote in here...not good! i need to start writing in this more often so that i can keep better track of my moods etc.

So let the gripe session begin!! Things have been up and down lately , it feels like i'm getting more and more frustrated with ben these days and i'm really not sure what to do. I can't even stand having him touch me anymore whether its just a hug or smooch i just don't want to be touched and because i don't have a lot of people that hug me or touch me like hand shakes or anything i can't be sure if its just him or everyone. I've got absolutely no sexual desire and so i think that for sure is beginning to bother him, i'm really thinking of just leaving him but i can't afford that at the moment unfortunetly unless i was to leave and just go home to my folks place but then theres the stress of mom, and moving and i'd have to get rid of my cats brindle the pooch could come with me but the cats not likely mostly because mom and dad already have sooo many there. i just am kinda in a rut and am hoping that when ben goes away in jan for a couple of weeks that some alone time from each other wll do us both some good and might also help make or break us. i'm not even sure if i love him or even if i really ever did... i don't know.

As for work its going ok i guess at the salon, joan hasn't been too terrible lately but still we all wish she would kick the bucket or at least leave us alone but tis christmas season which means rush rush for us. its carzy i did 16 dogs by 2:05pm the other day which is crazy busy i don't know for 4 extra dogs it seems to get me back to the 2o'clock deadline, the only thing is i push so hard to get them done and it kinda ends up killing me for the day because by time i'm done i'm beat and sore etc so of course when i get home just wanna veg!

Puppy life is going well, she's getting bigger and is all better now, i have to do some calling around to find out prices for spaying because that comes up in mid january, maybe if i luck out i can drop her off for that weekend when we go away for the wedding. I really wish ben would help out with her a bit more you know? it would be nice to havehim maybe take her out for a walk or just even be able to watch her without having to hear him constantly yell at her. i mean she is a puppy and has to try everything in her mouth haha but i mean i can't even go on the computer for 10-30 minutes without having to haul her into the office with me and try to wrangler her and keep her there but out of the legos he has spread all over the floor

more and more i'm feeling like the mother figure as i did in my other relationship well actually this one is more so i always have to come up with dinner ideas and have to initiate the cleaning and he seems to only chip in on the cleaning when its either gotten toooo much for him(which is rare) or i'm in a bad mood and am cleaning and complain about the place...basically i guilt trip him into cleaning even though its not purposely a guilt trip. i just am starting to get rather fed up with things and not sure what to do. and another similarity thats coming up with him and my ex is that all talk and no action like we'll plan to do things but then it never happens or he'll say hes gonna do something and it doesn't happen unless i majorly bug and nag him to do it.

Anyways i should get back to work and try to make more time to write here even if its a good day i need to start writing more often. Anyways take care and write again soon