Different

My mother always told me that I was different from the other kids, but she has never said why. I really never had much to worry about, nice home, intelligent, healthy, enough friends.
 
I first tried to commit suicide at the age of seven, with intermittent attempts until one day in my twenties a boyfriend told me how to succeed - he was a doctor, I had never told anyone how sad and insignificant I always felt. Probably then I realised that I didn´t want to kill myself, but experience some of what "normal" people felt. I self refferred and eventually started on medication. It was like opening the roof and letting the sun in. I started experiencing joy in the everyday of life. But I still didn´t think I could tell anyone about the real me.
 
I think society has such a stigma against mental illness. I went off the medication after a few years and coped pretty well for a while. After the birth of my first child I got post natal depression - never diagnosed, but walking down the beach,into the water at 3am in the morning trying to drown yourself is definately not right. I managed to gain some control, but was petrified after my second child of it happening again. This time I slept with crisis team phone numbers under the pillow in case. However, things went okay, more downs than ups though.
 
When I went back to work, things were hard. Eventually I went to see my GP about crooked toes of all things and told her about how hard it was to feel sad so often and to not know why. I started on medication again and presto, back to the every day world again. I´m staying on the medication for good this time. The side-effects are not good at times. But my kids need me around and I´ve only got one chance in life. A trial of life so to speak and yes, I´m different, but arn´t we all in our own way.