You will be Alive again
I am writing this story about myself because I want to prove that life doesn´t stop when you are depressed, things DO improve and you will continue to succeed in life even if you are depressed.
In 1996 my husband of 2 years went away for 8 months to try and start a new life elsewhere, and I was to follow him.
The unhappiness and uncertainy of that time brought on my first bout of depression with panic attacks and constant crying. I couldn´t eat, sleep or work and I didn´t want to see anyone. I had one very good friend who was incredibly supportive and put up with everything and stayed with me constantly, even though she didn´t really understand what was happening to me.
My doctor immediately put me on Prozac and Valium until the Prozac kicked in. After about three days I started to feel better and within a week I had my life back. I was the old me, able to concentrate on my job as an environmental consultant. My sense of humour was back and best of all, I was able to really think through and discuss the problems I had, and work to find real solutions.
After about two months, I worked out the situation with my husband and he came home a bit later. I went off Prozac after about 8 months and felt good.
Then in early 1999, I had my son and spent the first four days getting hardly any sleep. I loved him so much, but I could feel the old feelings of despair, worthlessness and pointlessness creeping back, stronger day by day.
Because my husband had been away for my first bout of depression, he didn´t really recognise it and didn´t believe me when I told him it was depression again (post-natal). Also, because I loved my baby so much, and this is apparently unusual in women with post-natal depression, my doctor didn´t put me on any medication until later.
It was 4 weeks of hell with my only friend in the world - my baby - until the Prozac began to kick in again. It really was like I was protecting him against the whole world, and he was the only one who loved me and needed me. My husband was the enemy at that time, even though he is actually the most wonderful man. It has been almost four years since that awful time, but I am still crying buckets just telling you about it.
The medication helped a lot, but I still was very down and felt hopeless most of the time. Also, because I was breastfeeding my baby, the hospital did not want to increase my dose of Prozac (20 mg). I had a counsellor who came from Maternal Mental Health at National Womens´ Hospital in Auckland, and the whole programe was amazing. I found out that a whopping 20% of women who give birth there, are referred to Maternal Mental Health. Post-natal depression is really a hidden epidemic sweeping through our strong, able bodied women and crushing them.
After four months I felt ok enough to go back to work part-time and it was very good for my self-esteem. I started to really feel better, and my baby was healthy and my husband was very helpful and so supportive. When our son was 8 months old, we moved to Taranaki where I had got a much better job, and my husband took 4 months off work to look after our son while I worked. My new job was stimulating and interesting, and my husband was great at looking after our son - as good as I was - so I had no anxiety about leaving him with his Dad when I went off to work.
I began to get progressively better, until I got a new boss who emigrated from another branch and whose wife was unemployed and wanted my job. For eighteen months he made life absolute hell for me, doing everything he could to make me leave my job, and it was an extremely stressful time. I was often in tears at work, which was not good for my reputation at work, and I started to feel the old panic again. It was about then that I changed my medication from Prozac to Aropax, as it also deals better with panic. I started to feel better, but ended up needing quite a high dose (40 mg) to really be able to cope with my situation. After nearly taking my boss to court I accepted a large private settlement, left my job, and started to work for myself. Almost immediately I was able to decrease my medication.
My first year being self-employed was very slow, and we started to have money worries, as I had so little money coming in. I still was able to cope, if feeling a little discouraged every now and then, because now I have control of my own life.
This year has been much busier, and I have been able to decrease my medication again, and I can cope with even quite difficult work situations without falling to pieces. I am going from to strength to strength, my husband and I have a strong relationship, and my son and I have a mutual unconditional love.
I am writing this to show that depression may last a long time, or a lifetime, but the support of people who love you, good medication and removing stress in your life can help enormously. You must believe in yourself. Take control of your own life - try not to allow others to make decisions which affect you. Keep telling yourself that things will get better. If people tell you to snap out of it, avoid them until they change their tune.
My advice is also not to tell your work collegues unless you absolutely have to - they will generally judge you unfavourably for it, even though you will meet people all the time who need some kind of medication!
I may have to take medication forever, it may be too stressful to have another child, and many people will not understand my situation, but this is MY life and I am a SUCCESS in my own eyes. I am a strong woman, even though I am depressed, and the world is my oyster (and yours too).
This is written with love and support and I hope it helps you.
YOU ARE NOT ALONE.